How to Differentiate the Things You Should Say Yes and No To

If you are kind, generous, ambitious, driven, or perfectionistic…. (you know, like me), then you probably have the same problem I do.

You have a problem saying the word No.

Maybe you see the word “No” as something negative. Maybe you think it sounds mean or

selfish.

Maybe you see it as your job to keep everyone happy all the time, and saying “No” sounds like the surefire way to disappoint them.

I had trouble saying “No” for years (thank you, lessons taught by my mother), especially when it came to protecting myself and my mental health.

In fact, I felt like I could only say no if it affected someone else’s happiness, so much so that I

would sometimes use it as an excuse.

I hear women saying things like, “So sorry, I can’t. I’m taking my kids to soccer practice that

day,” or “So so sorry, my husband asked me to pick him up from work that day.

It is, of course, totally fine to pass up doing something to spend time or help your kids or

husband.

BUT…

Let me let you into something pretty mindblowing:

You can say “No” just for yourself.

That’s right.

It’s not selfish. It’s not mean. It’s not negative.

And the world won’t turn upside down.

“No” is actually a beautiful, necessary word, and sometimes the biggest tool for protecting your health and well-being (which in turn, allows you to give your best to others.)

“But saying “No” is HARD.

Actually. It’s not. Try it—right now. Just whisper it with me: “No.”

See? Easy squeezy.

Saying no is not difficult. What I think you really mean, is that saying no is awkward.

That, I agree with.

I get it. Usually, when you say yes to something you shouldn’t it’s because you’re put on the

spot.

It’s for a friend, you’re stressed out, you’re climbing in your car, and right as you’re leaving they ask for your help with X and….

(BAM, overwhelm, stress: “Can I really do that?” “Ugh, I should really do that.” “How can I say

no?” “I don’t have time to think of an excuse!”)

All this in a split second; then you hear the words come out of your mouth before you can stop them:

“Of COURSE, I can help!”

Okay, so you’re just being a good friend. And you were put on the spot. And you didn’t have a reason ready. It was stressful… maybe it won’t end up being a big deal.

But it is.

Because you are busy. You have limited time and energy, and when you say yes to everything it causes you to put your own priorities in the back seat.

And you know what that means?

It means more stress, more strain on your relationships, more missed opportunities, and less

time, energy, and peace of mind for yourself.

(Which actually limits your ability to be a good friend. And doesn’t that defeat the purpose?)

Of course, I’m not saying that you should always say no to helping people!

But I am saying that you should be more aware of how you are stewarding your energy, time, and resources to the best of your abilities, and not feel guilty saying no if that is what is best for you in the long run!

“So how do I know if I am in a “Yes-situation” or a “No-situation”?

Here are the basic criteria: If saying ‘yes’ would significantly drain your time, energy, or

resources that need to be put somewhere else, strain a more important relationship or take you

away from a previous responsibility or commitment (even to yourself)… then you should say no.

But let’s get into the specifics.

Here are some common examples of things people ask for all the time, that probably should get a “No” as an answer:

• A friend asking you for coffee because they “need to talk” when it would interfere with an

an appointment that’s crucial to your work.

Saying no does not mean you value your friend less or don’t want to help them. It’s making sure

you are stewarding your resources in the best way possible, doing your job well, and being a

a good friend in the long run (which is the opposite of selfishness).

• Colleagues asking you to cover for them because they need to leave early when this

would jeopardize your own tasks and deliverables.

Unless it’s a real emergency or a life-and-death situation, you need to put the tasks that you’re

already responsible for as first priority, before you take things off other people’s plates.

Setting a precedent for doing this can also make you their “go-to relief” whenever they need to

leave early, which can make it difficult for you to keep up with that precedent in the long term.

• Someone asking you to stay longer and have a few more drinks at a party when this

would mean getting more intoxicated and missing the movie night you promised your

family.

It’s enough that you attended the party. You don’t have to feel pressured to stay longer than you

should, just to allow someone else to “have a good time”. Having a social life is part of having a

balanced life but keeping your commitment to your family is equally important.

• A relative asking to borrow money when your budget is just enough to cover your own

expenses.

If it's an emergency type need, you may need to help to the extent you can. Otherwise, lending

money to anyone (especially family or friends) is usually a mistake. Be honest about your

abilities and offer other practical ways of help if they need it. If you do lend money, be okay

with never seeing it again.

…situations that help keep your focus, peace, and well-being, enrich your life, or steward your

relationships with others in a positive way.

For example:

• Knowing your worth as a person. 

You are the only person who owns your own time. So say no to those who order you around or

would use your resources to manipulate you (including friends, family, or co-workers). Know your worth as a person and protect your boundaries and space.

• Setting boundaries.

Keep your work hours and life hours separate and protected. Let your boss and colleagues

know that your work hours have limits. They can’t contact you at all hours of the day and night

simply because you have said yes to all their requests in the past. If you respect your time others will learn to respect it too. Learn to set parameters and be firm.

• Achieving your goals first.

You are in charge of your own failures and success, and the decisions you make now affect

your future. At the end of the day, you are responsible for what you choose. You can’t pass that

responsibility off to someone else because they “put you on the spot”. Don’t let others

manipulate you away from your own goals just to make you serve theirs.

• Self-love.

You cannot give what you don’t have. You need to take the time to respect yourself and your

time so that you have the capacity to give generously to others. This is not selfish. It’s part of

being human. You need to inhale before you can exhale.

• Invest in yourself.

Study a new skill, aspire and work towards a promotion, build a home, grow your business, stay

fit and healthy, spend time with family, manage your household, and buy that new dress or pants

suit. You cannot be faulted for caring about your life—your life is a gift! Use it well. A life

well-lived doesn’t just serve you but helps serve everyone and everything around you.

Saying no is awkward. We avoid it because we don’t want to experience any conflict or give out a negative persona. Sometimes we agree to something because we feel pressured or obligated.

Saying no isn’t about being selfish or lazy in your endeavor to help others. It’s about stewarding and protecting your worth, time, and family from those who would seek to use or manipulate you for their own purposes.

If you try to please everyone you will end up so drained that you won’t be able to help anyone. Be real with your expectations and goals. Don’t be afraid of what others might say because, at the end of the day, you are the one responsible for your time and choices.

You are responsible for managing yourself skillfully. And those skills include knowing when to say no to others so you can yes to yourself (and in turn, say yes in the right ways to the right people.)

1. Be direct and firm. Don’t give the other person a chance to bargain and expect a yes. Say no quickly and clearly communicate that it's something you cannot do given your circumstances.

2. Practice saying no by starting with small things like declining invites to events. This will build up your confidence to start saying no to big things that really matter.

3. Be assertive and courteous. You don’t have to feel guilty or worried about being seen as rude or selfish. Say that you’d love to help, just not this time. Remember, that tone and motive are important.

4. Turn the request into something doable. Is your boss asking you to do a long list of tasks with a tight deadline? Instead of saying yes to something you know you can’t make happen, tell him you’re willing to do it but you’re going to need more time. Is a friend asking you to take time off work to meet with her about “something important” on a weekday? Say you would love to meet with her, but can’t take off work to do so. “Would such-and-such time on the weekend work for you?”

5. Remember you are not hoarding your resources. You are stewarding them. It’s not about never helping people or going above and beyond the call of duty. It’s about knowing the right ways and times to help people and being comfortable and happy saying no when it's necessary.

P.S. Are you ready to start prioritizing yourself and your life? If you need help doing so, email me

at [email protected] and together we can help you get that balance back in your life

with my one-on-one coaching package.