Being the "Strong One": How to Find Balance and Authenticity in Your Strong One Identity

Do you feel like you always need to be the “Strong One”? Whether it’s at work or in your personal life, maybe you take on the responsibility of keeping everything together and taking care of everyone around you. 

Maybe you feel like you have to just keep getting back up no matter how many times you’re knocked down. 

Maybe you constantly spread yourself too thin trying to bring support to others but are never able to find that same support for yourself. 

Maybe you don’t even seek that support because you’ve decided to handle whatever it is by yourself.

At its core, being the Strong One means that you have the resilience to keep going no matter what life throws your way. It means you can handle difficult situations and make tough decisions with grace and confidence. It also means that you are often the one who others turn to for support, guidance, and strength. 

But being the Strong One can also come with its unique set of challenges.

The Pressure of Being the Strong One: Understand the Toll it Can Take 😰💨

It’s very common for women to find themselves in the role of being the “Strong One”. And if you fit in this camp, you’re definitely not alone. 

While there are certainly benefits to being the Strong One, there can also be consequences that take a toll on your personal identity, your stress levels, and your relationships. 

😫 Negative effect on personal identity and sense of self. When you constantly take on the role of being the Strong One, it can be easy to lose sight of your own needs. Maybe you feel like you need to keep up a personal facade of strength and competence even when you’re struggling. Over time, this can lead to a loss of identity and a lack of connection with your true self. 

😦 Negative pressure and stress. Being the Strong One also comes with a great deal of pressure and stress. You may feel like you have to handle everything perfectly and never show any signs of weakness. You may also take on too much responsibility, neglecting your own needs and emotions in the process. This constant pressure can easily lead to burnout, anxiety, and other mental health challenges.

🤕 Negative impact on relationships. When you’re always the Strong One, it can be difficult for others to see you as vulnerable or in need of support. Sometimes, when the inevitable challenges come or you stumble and fall, others may think “Oh, she’s got this. She’s one of the strongest people I know” and don’t offer to help. This can create distance and strain in your relationships, as others may feel like they can’t relate to you or offer you the support that you need. 

😠 Negative need for control. You may feel like you always have to be in control which can damage your relationships with those who are actually willing to help you in the ways that they can. When you’re unwilling to relinquish some of the control, ask for help, and willingly delegate, then your relationships become far more stressful and strained in the long run. 

💥 Storytime 💥

I’ve mentioned that I had a very traumatic post-birth experience that included a coma and being put on life support but now I want to talk about how being the Strong One both helped and hindered my recovery. 

So, after giving birth to my twins, I developed eclampsia and had a whole bunch of issues that led to me being put into a coma (TWICE) and on a ventilator (also TWICE!). I was very, very near death but I looked Death in the face and was like, “Nah, I’m good.” It was super weird to have people in ICU constantly telling me that they were really surprised that I survived. When my husband said that to me, I asked him if he knew who he’d married.  😂 I’m a super driven person so I was determined to get out of the ICU as possible and I did. Then I was super driven to get out of the maternity ward as soon as possible and I did.

That was dumb. Super dumb and I regret it. I needed that medical support but didn’t realize it at the time because I didn’t understand just how badly off I was. 

Within a week of returning home from the hospital, I was home with 2 babies and a husband who had to return to work. I was still in denial over how much I needed to recover so I tried to do everything. Needless to say, that didn’t work out and I ended up on the phone crying to my mom, who immediately set aside her plans to come stay with us for a couple of days. She’d then come whenever she could to help with the babies and me. When they got a postpartum doula to cover the night feedings. I used those days and nights to catch up on sleep and rest. But I still kept pushing myself until my body couldn’t take it anymore and I found myself lying in bed and unable to get up because I was so drained. My work was affected. My relationships were affected. Everything was affected and despite all that I’d gone through, I STILL felt bad because I couldn’t do everything that I used to do as well as I used to do it. Ultimately, I had to take short-term disability leave because I just couldn’t do my job well or really do anything in my life well. It sucked and I felt like a failure but I ultimately did what I had to do (actually rest and focus on recovery) to get better. 

Yeah, I know my story is extreme but think about it. How many times have you pushed yourself past your limits? How many times have you thought “I got through XYZ so I can get through this too?” How many times have you not rested because you had too much to get done? You can’t even count how many times you’ve done those things, right? I get it. Being the Strong One can have negative consequences on your personal identity and relationships—and, it’s often completely unsustainable! So how can you navigate these challenges and embrace your inner power as the Strong One? 

How to Break Free From the Strong One Identity 🚀❕

You may see your Strong One identity as a good thing. In fact, you might even be praised by other people for your strength and resilience.

But when you take on the role of the “Strong One” all the time, it can be easy to lose touch with your true self and to struggle with the negative consequences that come with that role. 

The good news is that it's possible to break free from the Strong One identity and embrace a more authentic, balanced version of yourself. 

🤔 Reflect on your experiences. Take some time to reflect on your experiences and how they’ve shaped your identity. Think about the roles you’ve taken on in your life and how they’ve impacted you. Reflect on what you value most in life and what brings you joy and fulfillment.

Ask for help. Acknowledge and accept your limitations and vulnerabilities. We are all human and have limitations and vulnerabilities. Being strong doesn’t mean being invincible. It’s okay to show vulnerability and ask for help when you need it. In fact, acknowledging your weaknesses can actually make you stronger in the long run. 

🧐 Set boundaries. Setting and enforcing healthy boundaries is essential for maintaining your well-being and preventing burnout. Do you want all the tasks that you’ve taken on? What would happen if you simply took them off your plate or delegated to other people? What can you do to simplify as much as possible, and conserve the time and energy you need to be well?

🥰 Practice self-care and self-compassion. Taking care of yourself is crucial for your mental and emotional health. Prioritize self-care activities that bring you joy and relaxation, whether it's exercise, meditation, or spending time in nature. Practice self-compassion by being kind to and understanding with yourself, even when things don’t go as planned. Honestly, giving myself grace was one of the hardest things for me and honestly, I still have to really work at it. 

Build and Maintain a Support System 💪🏋

You can’t do it all alone. Building and maintaining a support system is vital for your well-being and can help you thrive in all areas of life. A support system can provide you with emotional support, advice, and encouragement when you need it most. It can also help you feel less alone in your struggles and give you a sense of community. 

🤗 Identify the people in your life who are supportive and positive influences. These might be friends, family members, colleagues, or mentors. These people are the ones who uplift and encourage you, and people you don’t have to be afraid to lean on when you need a helping hand. 

😍 Cultivate deeper relationships with those people. Make time for regular check-ins, ask for advice, and show gratitude for their support. Don’t be afraid to reach out when you need to. Reaching out to others can help you process your emotions and build resilience that is true to yourself and what you need in life. 

 😄 Join a support group or community. Find a community of like-minded individuals who share similar interests or struggles. It can be helpful to connect with others who have similar experiences, as they can provide valuable insights and empathy. Be open to meeting new people and expanding your social network. Attend events, and classes, or volunteer for causes you care about. 

Connecting with others who care about you or who have gone through similar experiences can be incredibly empowering. It can help you feel less alone in your struggles and provide you with new insight and perspective. It can also help you build a sense of community and deepen the relationships in your life. 

Redefine Strength, Resilience, and Failure 🌱✨

If you’re taking on multiple roles, juggling competing demands, and striving to achieve your goals, all at the expense of your mental and emotional well-being…then you need to redefine strength and resilience. 

😊 Recognize the strength in vulnerability. Contrary to popular belief, vulnerability is not a weakness. In fact, it takes great strength and courage to be vulnerable and open up about your struggles. Look I get it. That storytime above? It’s taken me weeks (yes, WEEKS!) to write that and I teared up while doing so. So why did I do it? Because I wanted to share an experience and connect with my fellow Strong Ones. Although my story is more extreme than most people’s stories, we all have similar stories. I also wanted to let you know that I’m coming from the same place as you and how I had to figure out that I can do anything but I can’t do everything… at least not all at once.

😘 Practice self-care. Self-care is not selfish (Krystal -Check out my blog on this) . It’s essential for our well-being and allows us to recharge and refocus. Prioritizing self-care can help you avoid burnout and better manage stress. It can help you become more resilient in the true sense of the word, and better equipped to handle life’s challenges. To paraphrase RuPaul, if you don’t take care of yourself, how in the hell can you take care of anyone else? Can I get an amen?!

😏 Redefine failure. It’s also important to redefine your definition of failure. Remember that everyone makes mistakes, and stumbling is a natural part of the journey. Instead of seeing challenges or failure as a personal flaw, reframe it as an opportunity to learn and grow. I’m big on the belief that something is only a failure if you don’t learn from the experience and apply those lessons. So when something doesn't turn out how you planned, instead of getting upset, pause, and ask yourself “What lessons can I learn from this?” 

🙏 Ask for help. This is the most obvious part of moving away from the Strong One identity—and also the most difficult to implement! Just remember that you don’t have to do it all alone… or even at all. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness. It’s a sign of effective leadership. Whether it’s delegating tasks at work or asking for a friend to lend a listening ear, reaching out for support can help you feel more connected and less overwhelmed.

All that’s to say… 😇

Being the Strong One is a double-edged sword. While it’s important to embrace your resilience and inner strength, it’s also crucial to recognize the toll it can have on your well-being and take steps to mitigate those consequences. 

So take a deep breath and remember that you don’t have to be the Strong One all the time. You have the power to redefine strength and resilience and to live a more balanced, fulfilling life. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. You’ve got this and you have everything you need to tackle whatever comes your way. 

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